THE WOMAN CODE

The Man Code, the unwritten law between all men regardless of race, age, religion, or gang affiliation. It’s real, and as men there are certain things we just don’t do to one another unless betrayed first. I’ve been accused of breaking the Man code when I write this blog, but while I await my punishment, I want to talk about the Woman Code. There is no unwritten rule between women, if you think there is, then you're asking for a world of hurt. This idea of sister hood is a joke, ask Hilary Clinton. A girl will betray another girl to gain favor with a man, how fucked up is that? A wise woman with great fellatio skills once said, "Girls ain’t shit". That person was my ex-girlfriend right after her bff stabbed her in the back,

Here is a female’s relationship with another female who she calls “Friend” àcool àdrama à cool again à more drama à cool again. REPEAT. A man’s relationship with his boys will stay at cool his entire life. If a man does something to piss his homie off, they deal with it. If he steps out of line big time— that nigga is DONE. A guy will say “I don’t fuck with him”. And it’s over, no more talking. I’m in the midst of sending out wedding invitations and some dudes aren’t going to get invited because some of my groom’s men feel they have been violated in a major way by certain dudes. Even though I’m cool with those other guys, I got to ride with the nigga I’m closest to—that's the Man Code. A female will say “I don’t fuck with her”, and then two weeks later they’re at the club shaking their ass together. So why bullshit? Why pretend that there is this underground sister hood? It's time to set some real rules...

THE WOMAN CODE

Don’t Share Your Struggle: “Oh girl, shit’s so fucked up, I got shorted on my check and I had to get money from Greg, but he wanted me to jerk him off” I don’t care if you have money issues, health issues, or relationship issues, don’t share your struggle with hoes. You and April might be cool this month, she may even give you good advice, but one day soon you will be beefing over something stupid and April will tell Tasha and em’: “You know she be jerking niggas dicks for money when her phone bill due?” or “They found a cysts in her coochie? It came from fucking all those Mexicans” or “You know her Mother lost her job and be borrowing money from her, bet she on crack again”. Anything you tell your present bestie, know it can be used to slander once she becomes your future enemy. I’ve seen it happen dozens of times.

Don’t Loan Money: Girls keep a running tab. If I pay for my boy to get in the club or buy him dinner, it’s not, “remember you owe me $37.50” it’s chalked up to the game. When a girl does another girl’s hair she’s counting how much grease she used, the oil sheen, and the electricity consumed while that bitch had the blow dryer running. You go out to the club; you can’t get a nigga to buy you that passion fruit mojito that you need to do your Dougie? “Oh I got you girl” bitch please, best believe your homegirl just added that 9 dollars (15 in LA) to her mental note pad. Next time you’re out and it’s time to pay for something, “what about that $103 you owe me” The other girl will have no idea how she’s amassed this much debt, she thought her friend was helping her out. And don’t try and get out of paying unless you want to ruin your credit score, it goes Experian, Equifax, TransUnion, and Lashonda Jenkins. If you don’t pay up she will go to the sisterhood and ruin your credit with them by saying, “don’t let that bitch hold nothing girl, she don’t pay you back.” So if you’re on hard times, and need 20 dollars to get in the club, I suggest you make up an excuse as to why you can’t come out. When you put money between two females the friendship will not last.

Don’t Talk About Dick: Girls talk about sex. I use to think it was short and sweet like, “yeah we did it”. No, these woman today go IN. I once walked into a speaker phone conversation of a girl explaining how some guy's dick wasn't that long but it was wide, and how she prefers short thicker ones rather than long skinny ones, I had to walk out of the room because it grossed me out, yet that description stuck with me because it was so traumatizing to hear a girl talk like that. But for a woman it satisfies a curiosity, and plants seeds. If you tell your homegirl how good he is at eating pussy or that he went extra and ate your ass, she stores that in her head. You talk about his dick game being the best you've had, even the most loyal woman will store that data like a motherfucking usb drive. You’re sisters, nothing will happen right? Lmao! You told her he made you cum... this girl doesn't even know what that feels like. Why wouldn't she want conduct her own test? I’ve had it happen on a few different occasions where the friends of an ex gave me their number. This one girl was my ex’s super best friend, they were like blood sisters. I started talking to her on the phone and I’m like, “so yall don’t hang anymore?” this hoe had the nerve to say, “she was just over here, that’s what reminded me to call you”. I’m a man, I have no obligation to the ex not to fuck her friend, but her friend should have enough respect for her not to go there. I stopped talking to her because I knew what the end result would be between the two of them, but in retrospect I should have smashed and let them deal with it. Don't kiss and tell.

Three Months: I know she’s your friend, and you don’t want to end up as “that girl” who picked up the leftovers, but fuck that. If your friend dates a guy for three months or less, you have the right to sign him to a contract. Don’t ask permission because she’ll say, “I was thinking about getting back with him” just to keep you at bay. I suggest giving her a one month period after the breakup to pick up the option on the ex boyfriend. If she doesn’t get back with him in those 30 days or talk about going back to him, then you’re free to do your thing.

Secret Shop: “Where did you buy that?” I hate hearing that shit. Every time I’m out with my girl, someone asks her some random question about a bracelet or a blouse. Why do you care? Why would you want to go buy something another girl has? I remember girls used to front back in the day, “I got this from New York” for some reason when I was younger every girl would lie and say they brought clothes from New York, where in reality they brought it from the Flea Market. Thanks to the internet you can get fly with clothing from Paris, Japan, or even some hand me down shit you found on Craigslist and no biting ass hoe can steal your swag as long as you delete your browser history. Where did you get that? Just say, "New York".

Get To Know Her Man: A good man is hard to find, so use your three month rule. You know your homegirl has issues, she doesn’t know how to keep a man, and she’ll always go running back to her ex from four years ago. So why not do some pre-gaming of your own? Talk to her current boyfriend, see what he likes, if he’s cool, has a good job. Give him the flirt test to make sure he's not a cheater. Your homegirl will fill you in on the sex stuff and there you have it, more info than E-Harmony could ever give you. Who knows, he may be way more compatible with you than he was with her. By the end of their two month relationship, you can pretend to just find him on Facebook, and then proceed to ask, “so what have you been up to, buddy?".

Frienemy: You love her, you’ll do anything for her, she’s your motherfucking girl— I understand. But do me this one favor, in the back of your head; know that any moment she can turn on you. Have you ever seen the Terminator sequels? The T2 has been reprogrammed to be John Connor’s friend and protect him. But Sarah Connor, being the wise woman that she is, warns her son, “He’s still a Machine”. John Connor loves the Terminator, but he has to be prepared for that son of a bitch to go Skynet on him. So while they laugh and say “Hasta La Vista Baby”, John is only seconds away from blowing his fucking head off. That’s what it’s like to be a girl, you can trust your girlfriend all you want, but as soon as a new girl comes around, a cute guy comes into the picture, or a promotion is up for grabs, she will Terminate your ass using all the information you’ve given her over the years.

You’ve been warned.